To a wonderful New Year, in fact New Decade!


It is by no means a new thing to consider reflecting as the end of one year approaches and a new one begins, however, we should take some time to think about why this is such a critical activity to engage in.

So the value of reflecting? With the pace and demands of life nowadays, I’m inclined to agree with this quote from Dale Dauten:

“Just because we increase the speed of information doesn’t mean we can increase the speed of decisions. Pondering, reflecting and ruminating are undervalued skills in our culture.” Dale Dauten

Reflection time is not just important – it’s VITAL. It gives us the opportunity to acknowledge our professional and personal successes, challenges and difficulties. It helps us see where we have grown and what directions we would like to take next. It brings learning to life, increases our insights, makes lessons stick more and allows us to grow and change.  More and more, in business and life, reflection is being scarified for doing. I see people acting like machines, running from one thing to the next ,whether it is a meeting or an event, with no time to process. We are addicted to do lists and in the habit of doing without adequate reflection: what’s my desired outcome; why is this important to me?; what am I  prepared to do to have it and make it happen; what happened; what have I learnt about myself, others from this lesson and how can I apply this learning? The quality of our results will be determined by our action, I agree, but the quality of the action is often determined by the quality of our thinking and reflecting, so I encourage you and teams to do more of this.

And what better time than the end of December – a quieter time for many of us. As 2019 draws to an end, we are at the end of another decade! Where does time go? It seems like only yesterday we were getting all worried about Y2K , that’s now 20 years ago!!! So take this opportunity to think about who you value in your life, where you are on your spiritual or life journey, what you’ve achieved over the past decade and last year, in all areas of importance to you – career, business, health, relationships, growth, contribution etc. I’d also recommend thinking about what you might want to leave behind from last year or this decade – unhelpful patterns, unhealthy choices, old version of yourself or anything toxic from your life. Life will happen, fact, but perhaps with this reflecting, you can decide what you want to have happen. What is important to you in the upcoming year, what do you believe you deserve and what are you willing /want to do to create the year you want? Armed with this information, it is not always about making huge unrealistic promises to ourselves and others and falling at the first hurdle! Sometimes we do want to create change and other times it is simply about preserving the existing. This decade was definitely full of turbulence for me and yet despite a lot of tough times I have so many fun and wonderful memories to cherish. I’m looking forward with gratitude, appreciation for all the love in my life and a determination to make every day count. I wish you a wonderful Christmas and a prosperous and healthy New Year.


Be Your Own Best Friend!

20190827_160554_0000 (002)Are you the kind of person who is always there showing kindness, empathy and affection to friends and family when they have made a mistake, not lived up to some expectation, or when they are going through a really tough time? Are you the one full of compassion, asking them what they need right now to help them through it, offering encouraging words, reminding them they are only human or helping them see the positive lesson in the failure?

Next question – when it is you who has made the mistake, not lived up to an expectation (probably your own!) or going through a tough time, are you there offering the same support, words of encouragement, compassion? My guess is not!  It’s more likely to sound like this “you are a failure, you look awful today, how could you  do that, how could be so stupid” Things you are quite happy to say to yourself but you would never dream of saying to a close friend or family member.

So I am on a quest to encourage you to practice being there for yourself, just as a friend would be, to learn how to show self compassion.  Why? Because mental health research has shown us it can relieve pain and free us from anxiety, eliminate insecurities and even depression. No matter what happens on the outside, it’s about treating yourself with care and compassion on the inside.

Fact – everybody has something about themselves that they don’t like; something that causes them to feel inadequate, to feel insecure, or not “good enough.” It’s all part of life.  I’ve been working on this myself. as sometimes I get really tired and exhausted in a way that I know is a result of medical treatment. I used to beat myself up a lot , not literally of course, just berating myself for needing to rest when some people can run marathons going though treatment. I would never say that to a friend or family member. I’d be there suggesting that they might go easy on themselves and perhaps listen to what their body is asking for right now. Like everything some days I find it easier than others but at least I’m getting better and don’t compare myself to what others can do. I learn how to look after my own needs and nourish myself.

So self-compassion is about acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself, as you would a best friend. Instead of expecting yourself to deal with a “get over it , stiff upper lip” mentality, it’s about stopping and acknowledging “this is really difficult right now and asking “how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?

Some people look at me like I’m crazy when I suggest this as it is far way from the usual judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings. Some people even believe they would drop their standards if they went easy on themselves! Self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect? It doesn’t mean you don’t try to improve or get better but you do it to be better, healthier, happier not because you are worthless. Things do not always go the way you want them to and even the best laid plans fail. You will face disappointments, let downs,  you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your own ideals. This is called being human, something we all share . So please befriend yourself, pay attention to the words you say and most of all be compassionate and forgiving with yourself whenever the proverbial hits the fan.  Beating yourself up when you feel like you are already on the ropes, I don’t think so. This is the time to be your most loving and forgiving of yourself – be your own best friend.

Life lessons


On Wednesday I got my year 3 test results and I’m thankful to say all is looking normal. Understandably people were encouraging me to celebrate and yet, although naturally I was delighted to hear that, I was surprised I  didn’t want to “celebrate”. I don’t think Rich, my husband, felt like it either. You see at the very moment  I hear the results, I also realise I will never go back to the person I was before being diagnosed with breast cancer . We will never be totally free from the fear of it returning. I may look the same on the outside  but I am different. It’s not bad but every now and again that cancer word  gets a hold of me physically and emotionally and I can’t get away from it. I want to be able to hear the word without flinching. I would also like to be free of some of the hormone therapy side effects!! The fact is, like grief, you don’t move on from a diagnosis of cancer, you move forward with it. Anyway I just leant into the feeling and let it be. I had read a quote the other day which said something like “The best thing to do when it is raining, is let it rain!”

Thursday and I am in a totally different place, thankful, grateful and looking forward and ready to celebrate life. I’m just thinking about what life throws at us and how there are so many lessons.

#1 No matter how you are feeling, let it be,  this too shall pass. Acknowledge it, don’t plaster a no entry sign over it or try to put your positive head on . Just let it be, it just needs some time and another wave will come, hopefully a better one.

#2 You will receive a body … you may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period you’re around so I suggest you get to love it and take care of it, outside and in.

#3 You will learn lessons… You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them too hard , irrelevant and stupid.

#4 There are no mistakes, only lessons… Growth is a process of trial and error, obstacles and set backs. No matter what your circumstances you can learn to thrive again.The “Failures and Setbacks ” are as much a part of the process as things that work and go well. Like a lotus flower we too have the ability to rise from the mud, bloom out of the darkness and radiate into the world.

#5 A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson. It took me a while to really learn the lesson of self care. I knew it but maybe didn’t practice it.

#6 Learning lessons does not end… There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

#7 “THERE” is no better than  “HERE”… When your “There” has become a “Here”, you will simply obtain another “There” that will, again, look better than “Here”. Be happy where you are NOW.

#8 What you make of your life is up to you. No-one else is going to waken up and dedicate their life to your happiness. The good news … You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

#9 Your answers lie inside you .  You are enough. The answers to life’s questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.

#10 You will forget all this … unless you figure out how you want to live your one and only life in a way that counts for you. Happiness is an inside job! So if between getting up in the morning and going to bed you are living how you want, then that’s success.

#11 And one final lesson, I’m mostly thinking Life is precious, live it and cherish every moment!

Don’t get ” stuffed” this Christmas

I’ve been doing a lot of sorting out at home recently and I do not know how we come to have so much “stuff” that we don’t really need. There are only 2 of us but we seem to have enough dinnerware just in case about 24  people descend upon us for dinner all at once! We don’t have the space for 24 but we have the plates, glasses and cutlery!

Then I started thinking, as I’m getting “my stuff” ready for charity that it’s the time of year when we buy each other morestuff “ we don’t need! And on top of that, we stress ourselves to the high heavens thinking about what that might be!

Now,  I am not being all bah humbug and suggesting we don’t show our love to each other. No. But here at InShineOut we always believe there is another way, a better way. All it requires is a little bit of thought. I’m opting for quality time together with family and friends. Doing something that we all love but don’t get a chance to do because we lead such busy lives. It could be a visit to a favourite restaurant, a trip to the theatre or spa, a walk in the forest or by the sea, whatever we fancy. It could just be our time and presence. We spend so much of our time glued to the mobile phone and not truly “present” with each other  The great thing about it is we won’t have to look for any space to store the “stuff” and it will be the gift that keeps on giving as we can recall the time in the years to come. So go on, give it a go and hopefully the only thing stuffed this Christmas is the turkey!!

Are you sitting(too)comfortably, then I shall begin

You may recall the children’s programme, Jackanory, where they would read stories and the starting point was to make sure you were sitting comfortably. Well I’m not about to read you a fairy story! I am going to use Goldilocks and the 3 bears to ask you whether you are sitting too comfortably or too uncomfortably in your life right now. Consider the impact on your current level of contentment and satisfaction.

Discomfort is a necessary part for your growth but too much or too little and you end up with the same feelings – burn out or rust out. You might need to slow down and do less or speed up and take action. This is where the Goldilocks formula comes in – not too much, not too little, just right.

So how do you know your “just right” amount? During my NLP accreditation, I came across Karl Rohnke’s comfort, stretch, panic model which can help you identify your “just right”. The comfort zone is the realm of predictability. It’s where we tend to operate on autopilot. It is a great place to rest and rebuild, but overstay your welcome here and your world begins to rust. The stretch zone is the zone of variety, new experiences and adventure. It’s where you learn and grow – mentally, physically and emotionally. How do you know you are in it? Well, the heart rate is up and you can imagine yourself doing it and enjoying it. It’s good to spend time here to build your skills and overcome your fears which ultimately grows your confidence. Finally, the panic zone, this is the realm of too much stress, distress. You can’t think straight and are gripped with overwhelming terror and heading towards burn-out.  You can get pushed or nudged into your panic zone which does not feel good. Others deliberately put themselves there as they thrive living on the edge. Having the choice is very different to being forced in there.

There is no good, bad, right or wrong. One person’s panic is another’s comfort. Speaking up in a meeting could set a person into panic while another would not even think twice about it. For some of you being busy could be comfortable while learning to relax and reflect could ironically be the stretch. It really is a very personal and dynamic thing. The key is to challenge yourself, choose to try new things to stretch yourself personally and professionally. Try asking yourself these questions to help you find your “just right” to increase your fulfilment levels

Where are you on the comfort continuum in your life right now and is this where you want to be? We all need some time in our comfort zone to rest, but are you recharging or heading towards rust out or burn out? What can you do to rebalance things?

I have spent the last 3 months setting stretch fitness goals to restore and rebuild myself back from illness. Just a few weeks ago, I managed a 15km hike in the mountains in Southern Spain. It was a lovely feeling of achievement and satisfaction. It was by no means a walk in the park, however, at Christmas if someone had suggested this it would have been firmly in my panic zone. Climbing a set of stairs was the stretch then!



Put your own oxygen mask on first….

maskRecently I have been thinking a lot about the topic of self care and why it is so difficult for many of us. We read everywhere about increasing levels of anxiety, obesity, lack of exercise, being over-committed and time poor, so it’s clear we need to pay more attention to ourselves. When I was diagnosed with cancer last year, I attended a workshop to help me cope. The ladies emphasised how important it would be to take care of myself this year and to do what I needed to fight this disease. People repeatedly said “this is your year, you look after your needs and let every else sort themselves out”. I remember thinking who on earth would need to be reminded to do that at such a difficult time in their life! The truth is I did struggle and serious illness or not, we all “forget” to look after ourselves. We all know how important it is, yet struggle so much with the act of doing it.

So why is this? Is it because when we are young we hear the word “selfish” more often in a negative context -“Don’t be selfish; it is good to share”. Perhaps we do it and are so wrecked with guilt that we don’t enjoy it! Or is it that we think we will get to it when everything or everyone else is sorted. The trouble is we never get to that place, particularly  in today’s crazy, full on world – busy lives, demanding jobs, kids, elderly parents, friends and family, social activities, plugged in 24/7, the list can go on. We eventually find ourselves exhausted, worn out and running on empty!

So that’s the problem, what’s the pill? Firstly I recommend you start putting yourself at the top of your to do list! Start thinking of these as acts of self love and essential rather than being selfish. A safety briefing on an aeroplane clearly tells you to secure your own oxygen mask before helping others around you (even your children). Then take the first step by identifying 1 thing you are  going to  start, stop or do more of in order to take care of yourself. It doesn’t have to be a big gesture or activity – have the cup of coffee, a relaxing soak in the bath, switch off your mobile, say no to 1 invite. As you read this you will already be thinking of lots of things you could do. Just pick one for now and do it regularly. You can form great habits just as well as bad habits. I know you don’t need permission from me and anyway I am busy listening to my own preaching! Please give yourself permission and  take a few moments to make the commitment. You will be glad you did. And at that moment when you are tempted to de-prioritise yourself again and fall back into your old way,  remember secure your own oxygen mask first …………! 




Let it flow!


I was all set this week to write a piece on taking care of yourself and why we struggle to do this when, out of the blue, the ugly reality of my treatment hit me full on. From seemingly nowhere this overwhelming sense of sadness and tiredness came over me and I couldn’t shake it off. I draw on a lot of strength and emotion to get through some of the days at the moment. Normally I “enjoy” getting ready to face the world and do my best to show up the best I can. Yesterday I was fed up with having to put in so much effort, mentally, physically and emotionally. It seemed that when I looked in the mirror the cancer was laughing at me, mocking me and asking me why do you bother?  Yes, my body is going through a lot and it shows.

I couldn’t brush it off with positive self talk, being grateful or reminding myself there are others worse off. It didn’t seem like I had any other choice except to let it all out. So I did, the floodgates opened and out it came. Like a torrential river, out poured all the emotions that had been building up while I was busy dealing with the treatment. My husband simply sat with me, held me through it and we let the river run its course. Someone once told me tears are a sign of healing. If this true I did a lot of healing yesterday!

After a while it ran dry and for all the things that cancer can do; like change your body, rob you of your hair, hijack your emotions there are things it cannot do. It cannot cripple our love, shatter our hope, silence my courage or conquer my spirit. By just accepting and expressing the feelings we were able to remind ourselves of that. Within the hour we were having a good laugh about the mess I had made of Rich’s good shorts with all my crying!

So why do I share this with you? For no other reason than to say it’s OK not to be OK.  Sometimes all the positive psychology is not enough when life is tough and throwing a lot of c**p your way. What you need to do is give voice to the emotions so that you are in control of them and not the other way around. Overtime the emotional scars left untreated can be as devastating as the physical ones. And also to encourage all of us to learn to be with someone in that moment without feeling the need to do or say anything. Trust me that is all they need. Sometimes this is the answer, release those emotions so that you can dust yourself down and get back in the fight again. In this roller coaster called life these days are just as real as the good days, in fact they are the true reflection of your strength.